Fear

Fear is not your friend. Except when it keeps you safe from danger, otherwise it sucks. My life is full of fear. Im afraid of everything. I supposed most of my fears are normal. I'm scared of spiders and snakes. Im scared of losing friends, family, my home/job. But mostly im afraid of what is happening inside me. I have spent so many years hiding how I feel emotionally and physically. I dont want people to know how bad I feel both ways. Its taking its toll. I have an ulcer and get to go get a endiscopy and colonoscopy to find out why I have such a problem with my innards. Im scared of the tests. Im scared of what it will find, or even what it doesnt find. Im sick of being scared. Of keeping my feelings inside. Im crying over little things. I dont want another pill to help numb me. I want to either feel better or leave. I want to be alone, and I dont. I want to be a couch potato, but im too afraid of the pain to get up and move. Im afraid to fail, probably cuz thats all ive ever done, no matter how hard I try. Im afraid of life, of people, of being weak. Is this normal fear? How do you know? Im even afraid to go to a shrink in case I dont like who I become when I supposadly "get better". Shit.