A good nights sleep

OMG! You have no idea how important a good nights sleep is! I got a good one last night and I am feeling soooo much better today. Im still afraid of things but not feeling so overwhelmed by them. Today I feel like I can do it and be okay. So much is happening in our life right now. Its hard to know where to start. But it will work out in time. I went for a walk today at Point Defiance park at Owen Beach. It was wonderful. I had to sit down several times but I made it almost a mile. I am tired and I definately wore the wrong shoes, but I did it! It gives me hope that I can get healthy. I no longer want to just "lose weight". For me, I am pretty sure that is the wrong attitude. Anyway, so make sure you get a good nights sleep people. It is an amazing thing!

Fear

Fear is not your friend. Except when it keeps you safe from danger, otherwise it sucks. My life is full of fear. Im afraid of everything. I supposed most of my fears are normal. I'm scared of spiders and snakes. Im scared of losing friends, family, my home/job. But mostly im afraid of what is happening inside me. I have spent so many years hiding how I feel emotionally and physically. I dont want people to know how bad I feel both ways. Its taking its toll. I have an ulcer and get to go get a endiscopy and colonoscopy to find out why I have such a problem with my innards. Im scared of the tests. Im scared of what it will find, or even what it doesnt find. Im sick of being scared. Of keeping my feelings inside. Im crying over little things. I dont want another pill to help numb me. I want to either feel better or leave. I want to be alone, and I dont. I want to be a couch potato, but im too afraid of the pain to get up and move. Im afraid to fail, probably cuz thats all ive ever done, no matter how hard I try. Im afraid of life, of people, of being weak. Is this normal fear? How do you know? Im even afraid to go to a shrink in case I dont like who I become when I supposadly "get better". Shit.

Suprises

Hi all. I am sick. So if this doesnt make a lot of sense let me know. On Sunday started having bad stomach cramps, doodie all over the place and fever of 102. Monday, kinda the same although pepto calmed it down..fever still hanging around. Tuesday and wednesday same thing. Now my family is making me go to the doctor tomorrow. Bleck. I know they are right, I just dont want to go.
But now we will get to the surprise part of my blog. Those of you who know me know that I have not spoken to my mom in over 25 years. Or approximately, I may be off by a few months..but anyway. Apparently she called her ex husbands wife the other day because the ex is not being nice. He is apparently stalking her and she is trying to get a restraining order against him. She is asking for a statement from her attesting to his violent temper and the restraining order she had put out on him in the past. It is a bit shaky to see that she is still out there and can contact me at any time since I have not changed my phone number in a long time. Fortunately I have caller ID so I will probably never answer her call, and right now my answering machine is full so that is also a blessing. I really dont want to talk to her.It took me 20 years to close that can of worms and I dont want to open it again. I dont wish any ill will on her or anything, I just want her to leave me alone. Period. Her grandkids dont know her and neither will her great grandchild. She made a choice a long time ago. Its not a matter of forgiveness either, just so you know, its a matter of self preservation.Depressing huh?
well me and my feverish sick self are going to bed. Goodnight and smoochies!